Introduction

Today I sit in my dining room. The sun is shining and the birds are chirping. All is well in the general vicinity. I still wonder how could I possibly contain any fear in my body after what I’ve tasted and seen. 

There aren’t enough words to convey the feeling of meeting your creator. 

I was 15. Locked myself in a closet, likely high on some kind of pill at the time. I called out to Jesus and asked him into my heart. That was the beginning of a long road. 

I didn’t know enough at that time to really devote my life to Christ. I loved the idea. It was easier however to continue living life my way. So that’s exactly what I did. 

There were countless mistakes. I was young and dumb. My friends weren’t the best. I didn’t go to church, but my boyfriend at the time, who turned out to be my husband later, introduced me to the gospels. We’d sit in my bedroom reading through them and I’d ask him questions. He was a good Christian. We had a lot of the same interests and were very much in love. 

But I was still so very much of the world. 

My parents raised me with the intention of giving me freedom to believe what I wanted. They put me in vacation bible school at a young age, but the most I recalled was gymnastics and a few songs. Who was Jesus?

So back to my adolescent age. I didn’t enjoy life. I saught to escape most every moment. I was diagnosed with ADHD and depression which I used as an excuse to abuse the drugs that I was given for my conditions. 

People came in and out of my life and my grades suffered to the point that I chose to test out of school permanently, which I was luckily able to do. From there I began college and was introduced to an atheist for the first time, my philosophy professor. I asked him to call me by my first and middle name in the hopes I might gain a new identity. All that it amounted to was another failure of social endeavors and a chip on my spiritual shoulder. I argued with the teacher a few times and found myself bewildered and crestfallen by the course. I remember driving to campus just to park in my car and chainsmoke. 

This idea of being new… It resonated with me. 

I couldn’t see it clearly then, nor do I now. But I’m starting to. 

I think I broke myself. We don’t think of movies or secular music as being poisonous but I’m here to argue that we should. Years upon years of running from my emotions with the cover of headphones changed me into something I can’t be proud of. So I’m not.

It’s not commonly preached to hate oneself, but the bible tells us to deny ourselves. What does that look like in action? Can it be done without hate? My answer to that is, not alone. Because if there isn’t someone there to pick us up and dust us off when we walk away from our old ways, we will only fall into them again. And it’s the world that pulls us in. So I have chosen to hate the ways of the world.

Let me explain this now, as hate is a strong word. 

I hate what the world did to me, and I remember. If I do not hate it, I forget. 

But this is not about me. This is about the one who showed me these realities. 

This blog is an ongoing story into the mind of a lost sheep who is still finding their way. I hope you enjoy.