My Battle with Satan

I’ve alluded in previous posts to my fight with the devil, or the darkness as I prefer to call it. This blog is an effort to organize my thoughts as well as to share with the world what I’ve overcome thus far in my life. It’s a nitty gritty subject, the darkness. No Christian enjoys talking about it. But I came to find it interesting, most unfortunately.

With my history of mental illness, I was a prime target for Satan’s schemes. But never did I believe he would take it as far as it went. The whole ordeal lasted from April of 2023 to March of 2024. It started when I began to experience a disdain for myself. I wasn’t thinking about darkness. I just suddenly felt dark. Nothing in particular had happened recently in my life; I simply started to slip. It was like the ground became ice.

I remember looking in the mirror one day and hating my long hair. I couldn’t stand how frizzy and dry it was and I just wanted it gone. It made me feel gross. So I cut it off.

Soon after, certain colors began to bother me. So I donated every item that didn’t fit a neutral color palette. I noticed that red in particular was upsetting for me to look at.

The theme was dissatisfaction. I didn’t outright hate my hair or my home, I merely felt irritation over them. What came next was a power trip. Mind you, I did not only throw out a few items, but a massive amount, and I repainted my entire house from top to bottom. By the time I finished, I felt like a different human.

I started wearing wigs and waking each day to examine my aesthetic. This time my narcissism was pulling me. I felt I had to perfect all of my aesthetics to avoid upsetting feelings. Having no hair just wouldn’t fly. I wore the wigs even when they were uncomfortable, or unnecessary, even when I was alone.

My dissatisfaction with myself was morphing into disgust.

I began to dissociate and form multiple identities. It felt as though losing my hair had ripped me out of my comfort zone so much that I could no longer wear my own identity. I could be anyone but me. Nothing felt right. And in order to maintain some sense of control or see a semblance of meaning I began to design characters based upon my identities. I started writing a book.

I spent my days carrying on with my typical tasks but in a daydream of sorts, wondering what my character would do or say in a given situation, without any solid assurance in myself. It was like method acting. I developed a story and began to feel I was living it.

Meanwhile, I was still praying to God, but I was translating meaning over to my own created system of ideas which were anything but biblical.

I started noticing synchronicities in television, weather, and wildlife, particularly birds. Certain thoughts were coming to my mind and were beyond my control. Dark thoughts, blasphemous thoughts which I could never have come up with on my own. I believe at this point I had a demon. I started developing an interest in the darkness, mild, but destructive nonetheless.

So with my identity fragmented and my outlandish novel in the works, it was no surprise when the television began to seemingly communicate with me. The wind blew at the same time on the television as it did outside my window. Certain creative ideas I was having were being backed up by every show I watched. I tried to stop watching but I got addicted to it.

Before long I was in the hospital receiving my psychotic diagnosis. Even still in the hospital, I recall the television being in synch with the psych department. People were talking in tandem with the characters on the show, saying different words but in the same tone, with similar body language. I could spot myself. Usually the quiet listening character, or the one trying to save the world from evil.

This is what Satan did to me. I lost a year of my life and damaged relationships. It was not fun.

I will say I still feel wildly misunderstood by my friends and family. While I acknowledge there is a mental aspect to what I went through, I feel that others fail to recognize the spiritual aspect of what happened.

I was very committed to my church when all of this started, and so in love with the Lord. It’s no surprise at all to me that the darkness chose to attack me within such timing. And the stigma that goes with having a mental breakdown is the cherry on top, making it difficult to regain a positive reputation in my life. But I will manage.

I hope this brings clarity to some in what the darkness does and how it operates. It feels like going through a portal into an utterly hopeless world, but it’s all lies. I could tell you all the lies I was told by Satan but that’s a whole separate post in itself, and I’d hate for anyone else to fall into my trap.

Just know the Christ is always listening and he always cares. He saved me from this web of lies. He is forever my hero.